Diary Of Nine Tales
by kamizon
Summary: Kyuubi grows through the years journeying the world. He has great adventures and a few stories to tell. Who does he meet and how does he affect their world? This story is not strictly x-over material. A multi-universe parody fic turning things my way.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:  
**I don't own Naruto, or any of the characters I use in this story. If you recognize the characters, use Google to find their owners.

**A/N: **I'm still sorry... please have a cookie...

* * *

**Chapter One:** Tale One, Roughly Tale One.

Hello Diary, it's me, your author with many names. Some call me Nine Tails(yeah that's where you get your title), Rikudou-jiji named me Kurama, lowly mortals call me Kyuubi but I call myself Big Daddy Kyuu. Nice to meet you! You can call me Awesome Q for short.

What? My introduction sounds lame? I can't hear you introducing yourself. Technically, you're supposed to be a memoir. I'm not that sentimental so don't make me turn you into an old man's hobby.

Now why did I get a diary? Currently I'm thirty years old, finally mature enough to live on my own since Rikudou-jiji keeps saying so on his death bed. I decided to write in this diary nine stories that will show my supreme awesomeness to my future self or my mate and kids.

Wait...! Kids? I don't want kids! Children are all whiny and stink. They poop a lot and I don't think I can handle that. Seriously, Jiji is proof of that!

Shukaku and Nibi are the youngest in the group and I'm positively hundred percent sure they are the cause of Jiji's imminent death. I mean, if constantly worrying about what your pseudo kids do doesn't kill you early, what will?

Once, that stupid tanuki put sand in Jiji's brown sugar container. Jiji nearly choked to death. Do you know how embarrassing that would have been if people find out the strongest beast's(Awesome Q's) father figure, who was the strongest human alive died by choking on his tea? Common Tea!

I'm not going start ranting about the silly pranks Nibi has been pulling left and right since she got a tiny bit of chakra in her stupid imitation of the glorious body of a funky fox. I have more dignity than that.

Right now, I'm embarking on a journey that will take me around the world and I'm sure I'll do amazing things that would be written on the remaining eight pages.

Till we meet on page two.

-Awesome Q

* * *

**A/N: **Let me hear your thoughts. Please R&R.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two:** Tale Two

Hello again Diary, I hope you've been a good book in my absence. You know I can't carry you around the globe in a bag or something of that sort. Do you know how stupid I'll look if people were to see me in a backpack?

I know there would be benefits like storage for take-out and souvenirs but I still think that would be stupid.

Speaking of souvenirs, I just came back from this awesome trip where I met a lot of people and did some crazy stuff. Yes I did! I went to a place called Hueco Mundo. Uwup! Uwup! The inhabitants are some real party animals! Literally!

When I got there I meet this cute, adorable munchkin named Nel who was accompanied by two other guys I keep forgetting about. One that looks like an ant and the other like an egg. If you ask me what I think of the the ugly egg guy, I would say, "Cool fella. He reminds me of Hachibi."

Seriously, why does Hachibi look the ugliest and dumbest amongst us beasty boys and girls. Even Twiggy(that's Nanabi), looking like a bunch of different insects, has more colour compensating for the other hilarious features. Again and again I ask myself, why am I the only bijuu blessed with such a hunky body?

Back to my adventure... Where was I? Oh Nel-sama. Yes, Nel-sama. That cute pinky was actually one hell of a strong chick though, easily top ten. In the past, some other guy hit her on the head then dumped her body somewhere unsafe. The trauma caused her body to transform into that cute, adorable form I was talking about. I already miss her and the nickname she gave me, Fuzzy-Wuzzy. Add that to the list!

My adventure didn't actually start or end there. I had been there for a few years meeting some really cool dudes. One of them was Ulquiorra Cifer, a tall, down-to-earth person. The embodiment of 'don't judge a book by it's cover'. He used to take me out to the banging party spots in town and hooked me up with the ladies. That was until that bastard Kurosaki Ichigo came along and killed him. You know I would have slowly pushed that idiot's sword down his throat if it wasn't for the fact that I had a hole in my chest.

What? I didn't mention that earlier? My bad. The hole was the in-vogue thing in Hueco Mundo, so I had some guy who called himself "Ol' Dicky The King" create one in my chest. Apparently his ability to warp time could create black holes. As he did, he failed to make mention of the fact that with time it'll close, not without excruciating pain. That's how Ichigo escaped. Plus I think I felt a bit of pity for him since I knew he wouldn't live any longer. He was going to fight a battle he would't win. My-brother-from-another-mother, Aizen would just hand his ass out to him.

I'm a hundred and fifty, I can afford to feel pity once in a while. Proof I'm not an evil bastard... Not totally anyway.

So, the souvenir I brought back was some crazy buffoon's pet dog. The big guy had a pet and I was jealous. So I poked him in his eyes with my tails, took his pet and then bailed as fast as I could. But now, I regret taking that mutt. That dog is as evil as any kid. Always barking and pooping like there's no tomorrow.

In summary, Hueco Mundo was a blast!

-Fuzzy Q

* * *

**AN: ** Special shoutout to **1Yui**. She put in the first review for this story and she's one of my favorite authors of fanfiction. Do check out her stories if you like to read plot-driven and post 4th shinobi war fics. Angst/Humour/Adventure she's got it all well laid out in her super awesome fics! Dattebayo!

Thanks to those who read and reviewed(even though there wasn't much to review) and also those who only read(yeah, I can see the stats). Those who clicked 'favorite' and 'follow', thank you too.

Now, what do you think of this chapter?


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: **Tale Three

* * *

Dear Diary, have you ever had an out-of-body experience? Like a feeling where you were somewhere you do not belong? Like in another body that is not yours but you feel comfortable in it? Well, after four hundred years of living in the same body, I get to experience that feeling.

My latest story is one that I would forever like to enshrine in you, my dearest Diary. It happened on one of my trips to this really weird town. Immediately, I felt out of place and lonely. You know how that feels? I guess you do.

In my line of sight, I was the only living thing my size. One minute, I'm strolling past really tall buildings with rectangular lights coming out of it, the next, circular lights are heading towards me.

Now, I'm not saying I was scared or anything, but if you were in my shoes, or whatever, you probably would have ran too.

So, a few hours chase and multiple projectiles that sedated me later, I woke up to see humans all around my securely chained body. Then some guy dressed as a doctor named Kayaba Akihiko came up to me, pointed to some construct above my head I didn't realise was there and smiled.

"Hello great monster from afar." was his greeting. "Please, remain still. We are currently located in an abandoned warehouse and we would not like the proper authorities to find out about you just yet."

All I could do was stare. The thing above my head began moving down towards my head and I couldn't avoid it.

"We are about to attempt Virtual Reality Upload on you. Since we do not know the effects it would have on an alien body, I'd like to apologise for any inconveniences the process would cause."

What the hell? Yeah, my thoughts echoed that.

The device touched me and I lost consciousness for a few seconds and then... BOOM! I'm being pulled at supersonic speeds.

Did that doctor say "inconveniences"?

THE RIDE FELT AWESOME!

On the other side of wherever it is I landed, I met the doctor again. This time we were in an open field facing another odd construct.

"What the hell!"

"Hello again. No need to curse so loud , Mr..."

"What? Oh wait! What the hell is happening here? Why are we at eye-level? Am I dead? Please, somebody save me!"

"..."

That's how our friendship started, me and Dr. Kayaba.

He put me in something called "The Beta Test Of The VRMMOG SAO". It was like dying and going to the afterlife. In that world I could do so many things. You want examples? I could transform into a mountain or a blade of grass with just a thought. Also I could fly(sounds awesome right?) and my ultimate favorite thing, brush my teeth.

Living for four hundred years with a protruding jaw and paws for hands, if you were given the ability to clean your teeth would you pass? ... I thought so!

In exchange for all this, Dr. K asked me to be his bad guy. Cool right? No! He put me in caves and let people kill me! But you already know Big Daddy Kyuu doesn't go down without a fight. Every level, I "killed" thousands and thousands killed me. The thrill was great till I met this player named Kirito. Some punk who kept destroying me on every level before the eighth one. Oh, I had fun fighting him, but it gets boring when you always get bested by an intelligent person with bonus power ups.

On level eight, I was ready to move on and asked Dr. K to let me out but not before I murdered that Kirito kid in his sleep. In the VRMMOG laws, that was illegal yet I did.

Having connections to people at the top like I do is quite helpful, don't you think?

Signing out

- Supreme Niner

* * *

**AN:** Don't play hide-and-seek in an empty room. Let me know you read this.

What do you think?

Personally, I think if Kurama had gone to Jamaica, he would have gotten a better out-of-body experience. (you know what I mean)


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four: **Tale Four

Hallo Diary, I'm ba...

What? "Hallo" is not a word? It is! Go check "Hello" in the Thesaurus! You don't know what the Thesaurus is? Its like... uh... the cousin of the dictionary but it contains only classified synonyms.

Yeah, I've been getting smarter ever since I turned thousand.

On my recent tour of the world, I was on the other side of the globe. On one really huge continent. As soon as I set foot on that land, I knew something big was about to happen.

I was heading west taking in the scenery of the place when I met an army going west too but they were on a slow course. Like time was theirs to keep. The snail's pace at which the group was moving was actually vexing. I mean, you are heading to war so why the hell are you lounging about en route?

I deciding to drop in on the commander and ask why, since it had been a long time I saw armies kill each other. That was a pastime I had picked up during my journeys. Watching mortals fight and die over petty things is an amusing thing.

After calling an audience with the commander(read: me jumping into the camp trampling tents to get attention), we sat over some tea, well he sat drinking the tea whilst I talked most of the time. Plus, I cant drink tea... yet! Who knows where I'll go and be able to drink tea.

The commander actually wasn't surprised to see me though. He mentioned that on their side of the world, there were more peculiar beings than a giant fox but I was the only one quite unique. No one had ever had a conversation with any like me.

I was actually peeved to hear that they had other animals better than me. They had flying buffaloes and dragons! Dragons! Dragons! Curse you, Juubi! I could have been a dragon with nine tails but nooooo... you had to be an ugly freak we were derived from.

Back to the commander. He told me they had just finished invading someplace called Earth Nation and I missed it! Now, they were transporting a prisoner to their hometown, Fire Nation. Being curious, I asked if I could meet the prisoner and because I'm that awesome, he let me.

Iroh, the prisoner was a retired general of the fire nation and quite a man. He reminds me of Rikudou-jiji; Strong willed and loves playing board games. After a few days in the camp spent mostly with Iroh, I learnt a lot about their part of the world. They had benders who could do silly tricks with natural elements and an "Avatar" who supposedly was the best at it.

Armed with that information, I set out to find the avatar and my first place of choice to begin the search was Fire Nation. I needed entertainment!

I got to my destination and by sheer luck I found the avatar in a cave I had chosen to sleep in.

Meet Team Avatar.

Katara, the mature girl. Toph, the blind tomboy. Aang, the Avatar. Appa, the flying bison. Momo, the flying... thing. And the last member, Sokka, the stupid guy.

When Sokka saw me, the first thing he shouted was,

"Appa! I think your mom is here and she looks pretty red in the face. What did you do?"

I nearly went nine-tails crazy on that bastard!

Aang was a cool, goofy kid I could hang out with and I liked him so I taught him a few things on meditation and gave him a few pointers on how to move accurately when bending fire(why Iroh taught me that was beyond my understanding until then).

Later on, Iroh's nephew joined the gang and we went on to meet the dragons. I wish we hadn't. I would do anything to remove the memory of that overly gay dance Aang and Zuko(the nephew) did just to summon two equally gay dancing dragons. I won't admit to secretly liking the acrobatic fireworks and wished I could do same. Curse you, Juubi!

A few months later, Aang fights the tyrannical Fire Lord defeats him and becomes full-fledged Avatar and by now you are wondering what I really did in this time frame.

Right now, Fire Nation is my property and the next water-bending avatar, who coincidentally will become the nine hundred and ninety-ninth avatar, will be found and named after me. Guess Korra, which means "nine" in the native language doesn't sound half bad. For my namesake, she better be awesome!

How did this happen?

A pai sho board, a lot of booze, a hot-headed and daring Fire Lord, a crazy water tribe leader(who happens to be an idiot) and a bald monk with tattoos. Do the math.

-Emperor Kyuu...

No! Scratch that! Sounds awful!

-Big Daddy Kyuu!

* * *

**AN:** Sorry if I offended anyone with the dance routine part, I'm just doing it for my character... Pika! Pika!


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five:** Tale Five

Hello Diary, I'm actually pissed off right now. The last trip was one hell of a rough one.

My story.

A few weeks ago, two days before I turned two-thousand, I chose to celebrate here at home with the others, if they happened to be here. The journey back would take only a few weeks if I didn't take the mountain route.

I passing through this small town, when all of a sudden an idiot jumped in my path. I paid no mind to the little boy in the funny cap, I just continued on.

Again, he jumps in front of me. That's when I notice the yellow rat with a funny tail on his shoulder.

This time, I get a teeny bit interested in the human.

"I don't have data on you in my Pokedex." The human said.

I just stare.

"You must be the rarest of the rare pokemon the rumors talk about!"

... Still staring

The kid then reached into his pocket, pulled out a ball and threw it me.

HE THREW A BALL AT ME! ME! KURAMA! AWESOME Q!

The first ball did nothing. The second also did nothing. Then the rat jumped at me, conjured electricity and shot it at my nose.

I was stunned.

Don't get me wrong, I might be really big and almost entirely made of chakra, but that amount of electricity from the rat was nothing compared to Rikudou-jiji's "Bonus Path of Lightning" reserved mainly for Ichibi and Nibi.

I was shocked because, I just stood there watching as a ten year old boy threw balls at me, a two-thousand year old creature.

Then I lost it.

I caught the kid, bit his ugly head off and stomped on his two ugly balls.

"Pikaaaaaaaa... Glurgh!"

That was the sound of the yellow rat as it went splat between my toes.

I killed a boy and I liked it. Tasted like cherry chapstick.

Drops pen.

-Q The Bogey Fox

* * *

**AN:** Apparently, I don't like Ash Ketchum very. Yo Abdul... this definitely wasn't what you expected, right?


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six: **Tale Six

* * *

**AN:** Hello! New chapter here. This one won't make much sense. Don't read it. Wait for the next one. I'm warning you.

Skip to the endnote if you aren't going to read.

* * *

Wataguan mi dearest Diary! Mi-ah back agien wit da bomb tins. Da bomb tins inna mi jierny. This chapter in my awesome life to be documented will be a bit different.

Welcome to the One-Time DoNT Show featuring guest appearances.

I am Awesome Q, your super host for this chapter.

Guest 1: Ho! Ho! No! No! I am Rafiki. You don't need seriousness. I know what you're thinking. I am a mandrill and you are ugly.

Guest 2: Heya! I'm Timon!

Guest 3: Hello. My name's Simba.

Guest 4: Um... I am Ha...

AQ: Hey! Slow down number four! You're the surprise guest.

Guest 4: Sorry.

AQ: Okay! So readers, my last journey was to Pride Lands. The little paradise of the lions. That's where I met our guests. I came across Simba when I was looking for a cave to sleep in. Despite what you think, all those lionesses around him are friends and family only. Nothing more.

I met Timon in the oasis. You don't want to know what he was doing. You wouldn't believe me.

Timon: Hey! I explained. It was necessary for a healthy result!

Rafiki: Asante sana squash banana.

AQ: What the hell?

Rafiki: Canditunu isalawe manga tranga tranga lawe.

Simba: Excuse me, Kurama-san. Can I use the toilet.

AQ: Hey! This is MY diary! You cant just be saying stupid things here!

Timon: I just couldn't help myself that time. Pumba wanted a child for his birthday. That was the only way I could think of.

AQ: Nobody wants to here that story again!

Rafiki: Oooo! Monkey-fox, your life will change soon. I see a baby!

AQ: Shut up! I'm not a monkey. You're a monkey. A crazy monkey.

Guest 4: Can I introduce myself now?

AQ: No! Not yet. Simba! Simba! Tell us about life in Pride Rock!

Simba: Nothing much happens there. Just eating and raw mating. Being king is overrated there.

AQ: ...

Guest 4: Now?

Timon: I guess I was too deep inside to realise that the situation looked awkward.

Rafiki: Felimi ganjo talimi santo.

AQ: Oh Kami! What am I doing? ... I need to save my show! Number four, I saw you flying around Pride Lands. You seemed to be running away from your problems like a girl. Something to do with that man? Let me ask, how did you feel when you confronted your worst enemy? Did you wet your pants? I'm sure fighting someone with that face would be like fighting a nightmarishly pale clown. Plus, fighting with a tiny stick sure doesn't boost confidence, right?

Guest 4: I'm done here! Avada kedavra!

* * *

**AN:** Worst chapter ever? I know! The two scrapped Tale Six I wrote weren't good enough for publishing because I lost steam and couldn't gather enough momentum from the one break I had. This nonsense is better than the other two nonsense, trust me. But don't be despaired. The next one has been specially prepared. In fact, the next three are where the best parts of this story lie.

In three or four weeks, the adventures will end. You'll definitely like the next three chapters. I'm sure of that!


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven: **Tale Seven

* * *

Hello Diary, what's up?

My latest adventure happened back home. Or, somewhere close.

One bright sunny day, I was walking by the beach, stomping on coconut trees when I heard someone's voice.

"Hey you! Great beast! Yes you!"

I turned to the source of the sound to regard my next kill. He was a tall, dark man with a fan on his back. He also had long, spiky black hair on his head.

"What do you want, human?"

"Dude, chill!"

"..."

"I need your help, nine-tailed beast."

Well, tree-stomping gets boring after a while, so I decided to at least hear him out. Settling on my belly, I put on my toughest stare.

"Okay! First, my name is Madara, Uchiha Madara I'm from up north, Fire Country. I heard you were passing through the continent and I couldn't let this chance pass by."

"I need your help for a really neat prank I thought up for my one and only best friend." Madara continued.

You guessed right! I nearly bit the sucker's head off!

He jumped back in time and said, "Chill dude!"

"Do I look like a clown to you, mortal? I know I have darkened eyelids and a distinctly round nose, but do I look like a clown?!"

"Oh great beast, please forgive my apparent rudeness, but I think you don't have anything better doing now and my prank could give you a few laughs."

Well... Tree-stomping ...

"Explain!"

"Yosh! As I mentioned earlier, this prank is directed towards my friend who is currently my village's leader. His name is Hashirama Senju and he's become way too stuck-up since he got the position."

"Why does this merit a prank again?"

"He's only thirty-five and he's already gotten wrinkles!"

"What is my part in your master-prank?"

"Simply, we go in there and bring in some heat on him!"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Me and you, we're the heat. We go into the village mess up things, scare the shit out of him then let him find out everything was a prank."

"..."

"Think about it..."

"I'M IN!"

Yeah, I like destroying stuff...

"One amazing thing about this is that; whatever the damage, Hashirama can fix. You break buildings, he has a bloodline limit that can bring them back up. Plus, anything financial, I can sort it out... NOW, WHO'S WITH ME!"

"I AM!"

"That's the spirit!"

So a few hours of planning and a two-day trot to Konoha later, the prank was in motion.

Hashirama never saw us coming! We totaled the village, the shinobi there that came too close to the destruction site were put to sleep by Madara using a weird eye thingy.

Hashirama came out, all serious and tried to obliterate me in not less than a hundred ways before Madara came out of nowhere with a huge "Happy Thirty-Fifth Birthday, Hashirama Senju" banner.

Before we realised it, Hashi-kun was ROTFLHAO! (ie: rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off)

Madara came up to me explaining that this had been a childhood dream of Hashi's where he would be fighting a great beast on his birthday and die on that same day going out with a boom fighting the beast

I was used!... But I don't mind. I had my laughs.

We noticed the fight had brought us to a valley. What was done, was done. I decided to spend some time with these two adorable brothers from different mothers.

While we talked about many things including some of my travels over some sake, I made both of them pose and then sculpted their forms into the sides of the valley. This opportunity to make use of my awesome talent was inevitable.

Hashirama named my work "The End".

"The Valley Of The End" definitely sounds like a badass vacation spot's name.

Speaking of vacations. I'm supposed to be heading out now.

Ciao!

-Awesome Q


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight:** Tale Eight

* * *

**AN: **Dialogue heavy chapter. Readers must be attentive.

* * *

Diary dearest... Or is it "Dearest diary"? Whichever is good.

I'm back from another trip, even though I never left the area. I say it is a trip because I think I might be hallucinating all these events that happened recently to ruin my already messed up life.

It's been, what, forty (fifty?) years since I last put in an entry and I'm back again so soon. Since the last one, I thought I could lounge about the area for a couple of decades before I embarked on another journey but that never happened.

My sad story begins...

One faithful day, I'm busy sorting out my thoughts on which side of the river would be most appropriate for skinny-dipping when some guy just yelled out my name from somewhere behind me. Cliche?

Not really.

"You are Awesome Kyuubi, right? The one who carved "The End", right?"

"That's me. Now, how did you know that?"

"My grandfather, Uchiha Madara, told me stories about you."

I won't admit to puffing my chest out slightly!

"Go on."

"And he told me about how you helped him."

"Yes...?"

"I also need your help!"

"Stop right there!"

Seriously, do I look like a clown to these Uchiha pricks?!

"I'm not doing it! Now leave me, I'm thinking about the fate of my nudist virginity."

With that, I turned back to my thoughts.

'So if I jump at the northern end, the pointy rocks below will likely chop of my ..."

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU STUPID MORTALS! IS 'MR. CHAPLIN Jnr' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?!"

I just had to let that out. The Uchiha was just staring at me with red eyes that could read my mind, I just had to.

"I'm sorry, Kyuubi-san. But I came strictly for business not goofy nonsense."

"..."

"I need your help to level Konohagakure."

"..."

"Particularly I need your help to kill a certain Hokage."

Now that's what I call business!

"Continue."

"I don't want to discuss the details of my decision. Mada-jiji told me you loved destruction, so I offer you a place begging for some demolition. You just have to wreck total havoc, then weaken the Kage, slightly, before I claim his head."

"Who's the Kage now? Don't tell me it's Hashi-kun's little brother."

"It isn't him. He died in his fifth year of service. The Kage who has wronged me is the Yondaime, Namikaze Minato."

"What's your name, kid?"

"Uchiha... Obito."

"Let's be on our way then, we could talk about your plan of mass -yet specific- destruction."

"... And it's Awesome Q, not Awesome Kyuubi. You make that error again, I separate your head and neck from the rest of your body. Get it?"

"Got it."

* * *

Eleven days later, we're knocking on the front doors of Konoha and all the shinobi are like; 'Don't let The Kyuubi in!'

Decimating humans like nobody's business! I'm high!

Then out of nowhere, there's a yellow flash. There's one man standing where I saw the flash. The Yondaime Hokage, the one they say is greater than all modern-day shinobi, even the Shodai, is standing before me.

Obito wanted him dead. So, I attacked first. He disappears and appears behind me holding a bastardised bijuu bomb.

Now, I'm angry. You don't imitate Awesome Q and mock him at the same time.

I swipe my tail at supersonic speed and slap that flesh bag into the forest through the side of a tower.

Where's Obito?

Obito's waiting for the soon-to-be-dead man on the other side of the clearing. I need a better view, so I join them.

Obito is flexing some serious muscle, fading in and out of the Yondaime's attacks and landing super combos.

The Yondaime is down and Obito steps lightly towards the living dead. He removes his mask and then tells the Yondaime to look up at him.

"Obito? Is that you?"

"Yes Sensei. I'm back from the dead."

"So... you faked it... Who would have thought my action had affected you to that point."

"It did, Sensei, and you have no idea how much!"

I'm standing in the back wishing for popcorn.

"Sensei, what you did hurt me DEEPLY! BOTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY! I COULDN'T STAND IT!"

Obito shouting and sobbing at the same time isn't a pretty sight to behold.

"Really? Obito, really? I thought it was something we all could laugh about, including you. But..."

He never finished that sentence.

"YOU CREATED A NEW JUTSU SO PEOPLE COULD JUST LAUGH AT ME. WEARING GOGGLES WASN'T ENOUGH HUH?! SENSEI, I TRUSTED YOU, I LOVED YOU! YET YOU DID THAT TO ME!

YOU CREATED THE **THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN JUTSU** TO TAKE AWAY MY ANAL VIRGINITY IN FRONT OF RIN AND THE ENTIRE CLASS! YOU SCARRED ME FOR LIFE, YOU TRAITOR!

KYUUBI, HANDLE THE REST! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

That's my cue! I go in blazing hot ready to catapult the pedo into my mouth.

Right before I'm about to munch, chakra chains wrap around me. I try moving again, they don't budge. Then I realise, they are just like Rikudou-jiji's. I'm not going anywhere.

A few moments later, my dinner starts talking to space.

"Kushina! What are you doing here?!"

"Minato-honey, the baby came!"

"I know that already! Why are you here?!"

"It's a boy!"

"WOMAN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HEAR!"

"Sorry honey. I came here because I think I found a way to solve our problems."

"You did?"

"Yes honey. It's a kill-two-birds-with-one-stone type of solution. It's a risky one too."

"Tell me."

"It's a seal. It will summon the lazy Shinigami protector of my family. He will take away the kyuubi and in return will ask for you to give him any payment. From there, you know what to do, right?"

Hello, Awesome Q here!

"Honey, you're a genius! I don't know why my dad doesn't want me to make you my bride. I'm Hokage, yet I can't even choose my own wife!"

I'm fed up! Time to butt in!

"Mortals, do you not fear for your lives!"

Their response...

"Oh, shut up!"

"..."

"Okay Kushi-chan, let's do it!"

"Wait! What are you humans going to do to me?"

The red-haired Kushina comes up to me...

"Look, me and Minato have been in a secret affair because our families hate each other and don't want the both of us to be happy together. Nine months ago, I got pregnant. I had to hide. And since Minato was Hokage, he could fake mission assignments. You get the drift? I went into labour two hours before you arrived here. And by some divine intervention, I'm sure of, I found the solution. I call my family's Shinigami, he saves Konoha by absorbing you and we sacrifice our baby for the greater good. No one get's hurt and the baby will probably be the next family Shinigami."

I turn to the Hokage, tears nearly forming.

"Why the hell do you want to marry this woman? She's crazy! Why don't you want to listen to your father? She's a nutcase!"

"... Kushi-chan, proceed with the jutsu before Sarutobi gets here."

Thirty seconds later, she was done and the Shinigami was in sight.

_"Uzumaki Kushina, why have you summoned me?"_

"I need your assistance in destroying The Kyuubi."

_"Your request will be done."_

The Shinigami reaches towards me as my life begins flashing before my eyes. I've never felt so scared to death, literally.

He pulls my soul out of my body into his. Now inside his belly, I can feel the environment but I can't interact with it except through my new vessel, the Shinigami. I'm done for. Four thousand years gone to waste.

"Uzumaki Kushina it's time to pay your debt."

"I offer this new-born baby."

_"WHAT!?"_

Don't be surprised, even Shinigami can scream. Yes.

"Is there a problem, Shinigami-san?"

I'm inside the Shinigami and I can view his thoughts. He's thinking about all the ugly things babies do. Eat, poop, cry, poop, eat, poop, the endless cycle.

I also hate kids, but who am I not to take advantage of this!

'And they drool and fart a lot. Did I mention they poop twenty-four-seven?' I say into his mind.

_"Oh Kami!"_, the Shinigami let out. _"I'm too old for this shit! Kushina! I'm retiring from Shinigami duty for eternity! I don't care about how you'll find a new guy to fill the role, I'm done! Here's your Kyuubi!"_

Then he transferred my soul back.

_"But before I leave, Kyuubi, I've got something for you."_ He continued.

The Shinigami did his hocus-pocus and before I could say "Gai", there was a seal on my belly.

"What have you done, to me Shinigami?!"

_"I just gave you a baby."_

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

And that concludes my story.

You hear that? There's a baby sealed in me who keeps putting radioactive poop in my chakra system.

For once, I think I'd be happier dead than alive.

- Big Daddy Kyu...

_I'm so pathetic, aren't I?_


End file.
